I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
