you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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