I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
