Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
