Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
