the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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