i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
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I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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