Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
