in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
