There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
