Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
