last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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