Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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