My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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