Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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