if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
