mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am naked and annoyed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
