i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
