I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
