these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
