Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?