I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist