Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen