My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
