we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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