I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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