Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
