My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
