My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In other news, I just burned my penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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