my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
