if i can run in heels then i can drive
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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