I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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