I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry about my life...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
