Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
