He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
