I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
