my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
