how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
