Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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