yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
