Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
