whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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