you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
