You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
