u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
