I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
