I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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