What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
