hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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