Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
