I think I won the penis lottery.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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