I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
