I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
