I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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