so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
