his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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