The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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