You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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