The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
