its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
